Just the Facts

Just the Facts: The Cold (sneezy sort)

Welcome to this week’s edition of sniffling Just the Facts, where I am your guide bringing you little known snuffles of information that you can delight family, friends and colleagues with.

You are welcome to Factcheck my facts, to verify that they are indeed facts but to save you some work I can personally vouch for the facts, and am I not as honest a person as you have ever met?

Plus, it’s on the internet.

Exactly.

Rock solid credentials.

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This week I’ve had a cold, so I thought I’d post some facts to do with the common cold. There are thirteen facts this week, which is quite productive for someone with a cold, especially a man.

 

  • There are many posh types of cold but only posh people get them.
  • It’s in-flu-Enza, not in-fluen-Zah. That is why the cold is more common
  • The common cold is not common at all in males, it is much more likely to be Spanish Flu, Bird Flu, Mongolian Tree Lizard Flu, Bubonic Plague or Death
  • Around 80% of colds in men correspond at their peak to roughly the same period as major week-time sporting events
  • The common cold is caused by a virus that comes in a different form every year which, like a new Avengers movie, is still pretty much the same and may have bigger explosions but still makes you actually feel a lot better when it’s finally over
  • It has been proved that taking large measures of whisky and lying on the sofa moaning pathetically is at least as effective as any other treatments for men with colds
  • When they have a cold, women are legally allowed to make one small snuffling noise once in the morning and then must continue with their day as normal
  • The amount of slimy substances that come out of your body that taste of lemon are greatly increased when you have a cold
  • Mucus is the technical name for the substance a small child is made of, the common cold only makes them even more grotty and slimy and generally whine even louder
  • Sneezing violently can result in a substance looking like brains plastered to tissues, handkerchiefs or the opposite wall. It is not brains, they are still in your head, well padded within three inches of cotton wool and temporarily shut down
  • Although you can have a headache worthy of it, cutting your own head off with a chainsaw is tricky. It is better to ask someone else to do it
  • When your partner is miserable, bunged up, can hardly talk and feels generally listless and physically too tired to argue with anything, it is a good time to nip out and buy that simply massive new television
  • The achy appendages, constant head pain and streaming orifices of a cold is the body’s way of temporarily preparing you, in small stages, for what being old is permanently like

 

Come back next week when I’ll be tackling another themed selection of factuosity or perhaps a random selection of factiles. Either way, it’s likely to be factastic.

 

5 thoughts on “Just the Facts: The Cold (sneezy sort)”

  1. You forgot…
    When men get a cold, we announce it from the very first, little through tickle or stuffed in-breath.
    When your wife gets a cold, she hides it, never letting on…until she ambushes the husband and uses it as a guilt trip, days later. Their handbook has many more volumes. We have the basic pamphlet. Once sided. Large typeface. I lost mine.

    Like

  2. Your slimy substances taste like lemon? Maybe I should see a doctor about why mine do not. I guess that when life gives you (slimy substances that taste like) lemon, there’s only one thing for you to do.

    Like

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