Just the Facts

Just the Facts: Unbelievable but strangely more true than normal edition.

Welcome to Just the Facts, a column where I am your curator of some little snippets of information that you may reliably tell other people are true because you read them on the internet.

This week I am going for a highly topical subject as I just read it on the internet myself minutes ago. So, unlike most of my posts just looking like I hurriedly put it together, I actually did just hurriedly put this together.

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán on Pexels.com
  • HMS Queen Elizabeth is the largest warship ever built for the British Navy and is an aircraft carrier. I know that because it says it here today.
  • HMS Queen Elizabeth does not currently have the aircraft that she was designed for on board as the citizens of GB can’t afford to pay all the taxes we need to afford it all in one go. And we’ve still got to find a few billion quid for a nuclear submarine or two that not many of us actually need at all either.
  • Despite not having the capability to defend itself against someone approaching them eating a bowl of noodles while flying a microlight and hence would have to run away if the pilot swore at them threateningly, a few days ago the current Defence Minister Gavin Williamson, a highly qualified fireplace salesman, threatened that we’d be sending HMS Queen Elizabeth in to the Pacific to show off how much money we could waste on a big metal thing that floats but can’t harm a fly to any big knobs, like perhaps the Chinese, in the area.
  • China today cancels a theoretical trade meeting with the Chancellor to theoretically talk about theoretical trade with a theoretical post-Brexit Britain in protest at our Defence Minister Gavin Williamson’s theoretically sending of a harmful large amount of useless metal littering with intent into, theoretically, ‘their’ waters.
  • As I write, this story is currently an exclusive to The Sun ‘newspaper’ so is probably made-up but it’s funny anyway.
  • Ministers in the British Government have special training sessions with firearms to enable them to accurately use them to shoot their own feet or, if that isn’t possible, a nearby colleague’s feet.

Update 16-2-19: Slightly improved (Guardian) link for the story as it has developed here.

Disclaimer: No man eating a bowl of noodles while flying a microlight was harmed in the collation of these facts, although he has been cautioned for showing off, spilling a bit and driving while distracted.

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9 thoughts on “Just the Facts: Unbelievable but strangely more true than normal edition.”

    1. Yep, and and yours probably have real guns and aircraft on them too.
      Ours is a desperate ‘symbolic’ defence these days, seemingly directed by complete idiots who wouldn’t know how to cope if the local Waitrose supermarket wasn’t open or their shoelace came undone, let alone being in command of a (largely set dressing) defence ‘force’ and trying to be threatening with it.
      Making it all the more depressing that we spent money on it at all when, as you say, healthcare for its citizens who provide the money should always be a priority.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Wasn’t the original idea to share defence aircraft/ships with the French? I haven’t fact checked that, it’s just from my increasingly foggy memory, meanwhile as for the nuclear subs, they presumably would be carrying arms that rely on American satellites to work?
    You couldn’t make it up

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I know, whatever it was I heard it seemed weird at the time – that’s why it stuck. But I’m sure I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, wouldn’t be the first time – or the last lol!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Its hidden in that last one, the joint expeditionary force, that’s the bugger, I knew it sounded daft, seems positively ridiculous now!

        Liked by 1 person

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