Good morning, I’m pleased to say Barrington is back with us after hectic and confusing times in the House of Commons. We are probably all looking forward to him giving us all the inside info and getting things explained clearly and concisely so that we can understand it.
I’ll get my notebook out shall I?
Well, if that’s where you’ve got all the inside information and your explanations, then yes. First things first though, I’ll lay out the ground rules for our conversation, OK?
Rules. Yes, of course. It’s good to have rules.
Thing is, to differentiate who his speaking, for the reader, I’ll be appearing in normal type, whereas you will be speaking in italics.
So I need to do Latin? Non possum dicere paulo.
Oh god, I forgot you went to public school with that Rees-Mogg creature. No, you will not need to speak Latin, I will just make your speech all slanty and different when I type it, OK?
Funny, he wasn’t very good at Latin at school… we used to call him ‘spirito sancti’ because he only used to turn up like a ghostly presence and even then his Latin was holey.
Yes, well, it seems that the appearance of cleverness is is still more important than actually being clever is. The definition of a nob.
That’s a bit rude.
No, not knob, as in slang for a penis with the silent ‘k’, nob… um.. posh pompous gentleman with sense of entitlement but.. oh… without the silent ‘k’…
Yes, I can see how they’re easily confused.
I do get confused.
Right then, your report. What shall we call it? Politics Report seems a bit boring really.
I used to think TW3 was clever, you know, That Was The Week That Was?
Blimey, that was in black and white. Most of the readers don’t remember black and white television these days… In fact some of the younger ones probably don’t know what a one-way only media device is.
Well, I know you wanted a quick report, not too in-depth but enough for some juicy bits. So I came up with a couple of variants.
OK. How about Politics Issues Summarised Succinctly?
No need for that.
No, it spells PISS when you just use the initials. Like in TW3.
Oh. Yes, right, I see. Yes. There might be a problem with my other one then.
Oh dear. Which is?
‘This Weeks Analysis of the Times with Barrington’.
Umm.. yes, same problem. TWAT with Barrington.
Yes. Perhaps I’ll have work on that a bit. Although technically I think it’s ‘TWAT with Barrington’. Which is you.
Well we’re definitely not having twat… sorry… that. Stop putting words into my fingers Barrington.
No, hunt and peck, two fingers…
Oh, not typing style. Yes, I see…
Anyway, lets postpone the thinking of a clever title, it may not be a regular enough thing to need one yet. It might have all blown up and collapsed under the weight of it’s own stupidity by next week anyway. So, where are we going to start with such a busy political week then? Did you cover the Peoples Vote March in London last Saturday?
Oh come on Barrington, a million people with placards arriving in London to support the Peoples Vote second referendum campaign, the route went right by your flat… Surely you’ve got something to say about it?
Ah yes. That was the morning I had to drink black tea.
I was out of milk. I tried walking to the shop but there were crowds of people coming the other way and I sort of got swept up in the tide. I never made it to the shop. In fact, it took me three hours to get back to my flat.
You must have said something to the people, you know, to find out what they were doing there etc.?
Well, not questions as such. Mostly it was ‘Excuse me.’
Oh lord… Right, OK, let’s move on. We’ve waited whole week for your thoughts, which everyone knows is a long time in politics, and this one has been a barnstormer for a reporter to really get to grips with. There’s been plenty of voting, intrigue and complete stupidity so, I’ll hand the column over to you now to really give us your insight to the whole thing.
Ladies and Gentleman, Barrington Higginbottom, our Political commentator…
Yes. Alright. Ummm… We’ll start with Monday then shall we? I’ll read my from my journal.
Monday 7am. Can’t decide which colour socks to wear to be impartial for my first day at Parliament. Can’t be red or blue, yellow, green or purple so try to find grey ones. I found one but cannot find the other to make the pair so start a search…
Ummm. sorry to butt in Barrington but can we just move on to the bits actually inside the House of Commons when you are, you know, seeing and hearing the things going on, you know, in politics?
Oh, of course yes, sorry… umm… still in washing machine… no… hang on, yes, um… bus, um… man with kettle on head… knocked down by cabby… pigeon attack… err… proposal at Westminster Station… ah yes, page 28… arrive at House of Commons… Got it.
First meeting with Civil Service at Parliament office to inspect credentials.
He says; Ah Barrington, how are you, haven’t seen you since Uni when we debagged old Fortescue and dropped him off that bridge, shame about the tramp but how were we to know he was on the tow path cooking a rat for his tea. Never mind, old Fortescue saw the funny side and bought us all a drink when he got out of hospital…
I say; Sorry, don’t remember you old chap, you may be confusing me with Barrington Higgintop, he went to Cambridge. I’m Barrington Higginbottom, I went to Oxford and I’m here for my accreditation.
He says; Sorry Sir, who are you writing for?
I say; The blog O4FS, Bryntin err… just Bryntin, I think.
He says; Never heard of him.
I say; He’s very big.
He says; Let me just look it up.
I wait while he prods keyboard and looks at screen of computer thing.
He says; It says the blog has a hundred followers.
I say; That’s a lot isn’t it? And they are all very discerning followers.
He says; Not really. We noticed the last new follower of his blog has over 27,000 followers. Even that’s not the sort of number people take notice of.
I say; There you are then, discerning followers who are good and they have lots of followers even if he doesn’t. In a way, you could say he’s at the top of the pyramid and his influence spreads out from there. Like those champagne fountains, you fill the good stuff in the one glass at the top and it’s still filling loads of glasses at the bottom. As long as there’s enough champagne of course. One bottle doesn’t go very far. One crate doesn’t quite do it either…
So, anyway, can I have my Press Pass please?
He says; No, he still only has a hundred. To us, that is insignificant. In fact, if six million people sign a petition, that is insignificant, if we like. Now, if you were Barrington Higgintop, that might have some bearing on the matter. But you’re not. Please leave now.
I say; But I found the other grey sock. I’m impartial, see?
I roll up a trouser leg.
He says; That doesn’t work here, but you should probably try it at the police station later. Security!
Leave building with four big men.
So, that’s it really. You didn’t happen to get any newspapers last week did you? I’ve got about four days to fill in some detail for.