Welcome to another edition of Just the Facts, a column where I impart information in the form of bullet-pointed factoids that you may use to impress people with your seemingly in-depth knowledge that lasts as long as it takes to charge a phone these days.
Please note, although the factoids are bullet-pointed, they cannot be used for assassination purposes.
This weeks facts are all about the growing number of Conservative MP’s who are now one hat short of a full hat collection as they have thrown one into a ring, although it’s never stated anywhere if that’s into a circus, bullfighting or boxing ring.
All of them are seeking to become the leader of the Conservative Party, which by default will make them the Prime Minister of the country – at least until October when it’ll all fall apart again because not one of them is brave enough to face any facts and they continue to feed the Brexit mythology.
Make no mistake, being the PM is the endgame for all of them and every utterance you see from them until the Leadership contest is over is aimed at the people who choose the Conservative Party leadership, not the rest of us. In fact, it would be rather lovely if the media sodded off now and didn’t say a word until it’s all over, that’ll keep my blood pressure under control at least.
Right then, so far we have:
- Alexander Boris dePfeffle Johnson –
Imaginative Tabloid Nickname: BoJo.
Likely to appeal to Conservative Party members as they remember him from being their kids friend at Uni when he was a ‘good laugh’ but no one knows if he actually has ever said anything that was true to this day. Sacked for ‘making stuff up’ from The Times, he became a politician instead because it’s alright to make stuff up as a politician and no one sacks you for it.
- Dominic Raab –
Particularly Thick Fuckwit:
Resigned from Government position of Minister for Exiting the EU stating he was unable to accept the Exiting the EU deal he’d just negotiated and signed with the EU. And then voted for it. Particular friends with the town of Dover.
- Michael Gove –
Puppet of Rupert Murdoch, Creepy Fuckwit:
Current Environment Secretary in charge of greenwashing the Conservatives as Murdoch is using Sky TV to do the same for him, which I’m sure is just one of those coincidence things.
- Andrea Leadsom –
Former Leader of the House and Margaret Thatcher impersonator whose resignation was the starting gun for all this extra time-wasting. Claim to fame is that the Harry Potter film character of Delores Umbridge was based on her.
- Matt Hancock –
Little known Health Minister, has never said anything of any consequence but still probably a Fuckwit:
Entered race by stating ‘brutal honesty’ was required, which will confuse the Conservative Party membership as they expect their leaders to be brutal but won’t be sure about the honesty.
- Jeremy Hunt –
Formerly trying to destroy NHS, currently working to destroy rest of world, Fuckwit:
Unlikely to survive any appearance on TV without being called Mr… well, rhymes with Hunt. Has face surgically fixed to ‘smug’ expression.
- Esther McVey –
Ex TV Presenter airhead Fuckwit:
Modern equivalent of Marie Antoinette but expected people to eat air instead of cake when their Welfare Benefits were delayed.
- Rory Stewart –
Previously demonstrably clever Fuckwit:
Appears to be clever, strong on Human rights, and sees through Boris Johnson, therefore has no chance and I have no idea what he’s doing in the Conservative Party. Oh, MI6 father, Eton and Oxford… OK.
Oh, breaking BBC News interview quote “We need to help to shape Europe from the outside.” Another deluded Fuckwit then….
Why not come back next time for more facts that you can rely on, it’s on the internet and has words in it, so there you are, as believable as it’s possible to get.