One of the joys of earlier than expected retirement from working/not bothering to look for another job after his stroke which is fine with Mrs Bryntin as long as he behaves himself and/or makes himself useful occasionally – is that Bryntin now finds himself as chief household dog walker.
Normally his little terrier Gwynnik gets a three kilometre or so ‘main’ walk, somewhere during the day – hopefully where she can be off lead and where rabbit or other small furry mammal locating, ball chasing – but no temptation of sheep chasing – can be enjoyed. The second evening walk is normally just a kilometre or so up and down the lane outside our house.
Recently of course, due to the cycling incident, he wasn’t feeling able to take her out to the normal walk locations due to his accelerator and brake leg being so sore; driving was just too painful to contemplate for a couple of days. This then necessitated the walking being done in the lane directly outside the house in what, for most people, constitutes ‘working hours’.
On Friday it was raining hard but Bryntin and Gwynnik’s walking hour was conveniently and luckily placed in a small portion of the day in which an umbrella and full length waders (inflated life jacket for the dog) were not required. So, Bryntin grabbed his hat, coat and dog and used the temporarily abated weather window.
Immediately opposite the house and parked on the verge was a white van, its rear doors opened and an umbrella wedged between the top of the door of the van, the hedge and the telegraph pole. Underneath this was a man, sat on one of those little folding fishing stools and wearing a yellow/green luminous jacket, fiddling with wires and a black box. He looked like he was attempting to knit with some colourful spaghetti. But using screwdrivers.
Now, whenever he has seen a man in a yellow/green luminous jacket at the base of this particular telegraph pole, Bryntin’s heart is full of hope. This hope is that, finally, in this rural location, forgotten by mainstream infrastructure, out of the way (and therefore a good place to put a Bryntin) the powers that be (in this case a firm called Openreach, spun off from BT) are going to be doing something about our internet speed.
Bryntin has put some thought into how to describe how slow the internet speed currently is but has decided that some sort of dangerous time-continuum-warp-style effects may take place as you might read about how slow it is after any gushing articles about how fast it is now.
This may be confusing for readers so he will only use the bare figure 2.5. And on a good day 3. Somethings. MegaBittyParps or something like that.
So Bryntin, despite having his right arm pulled by a dog that always wants to be approximately one metre further away from him then the lead length currently allows, engaged the man in conversation.
To save actually writing the conversation in its full Cornish dialect glory and therefore to make it more widely understood (tourists understand the ‘ansums, drecklys and proper jobs these days but some of the rest remains impenetrable), Bryntin will provide the approximate translation of it.
Yes, he said, he was doing the final connections for the new fibre cabling that had been gradually installed over the last few weeks. He wouldn’t be surprised if, after final testing, the new service would available to order from the internet provider Bryntin uses in around two weeks time.
Well blimey. That’s bleddy proper.
Bryntin was aware that the data speed of this new ‘Superfast’ fibre connection is 50 MegaBittyParps now at least and so was able to imagine an internet connected future in which internet TV services could be employed, a service which so many media type people assume you have before raving about the next upcoming Netflix series, and at last enabling proper use of the catch-up TV services.
A future in which everyone didn’t have to look accusingly at his son who was surreptitiously downloading some huge music files from somewhere and therefore knocking out all the bandwidth for whatever everyone else in the household wanted to be doing on the internet.
A future without no one being able to use the internet for at least two hours after returning home from a day out on which Bryntin employed the use of his phone as a camera while it backed up the photos he took that day to somewhere in the clouds.
A future in which he could properly get on with doing his years worth of online classes, for which he was kindly given a subscription but had been unable to properly use for the first six months so far because every class video he tried to watch lasted three seconds before sudden stillness and the word ‘buffering’ appeared.
All the sort of stuff that urban types take for granted already. But there was more.
Last night Bryntin accessed the Openreach site and the page which allowed him to register for further notice when the new service was enabled. After three years of 2 MegaBottyPurps he wanted to know, to the second, when he could get the ball rolling to get this quantum leap. He entered his postcode and waited… He thought to himself ‘In future, even this bit of waiting will be a distant memory’ and smiled. Then the new page opened. ‘Good news’ it said ‘You are due to be receiving Ultrafast Broadband services soon! We’re installing the infrastructure and expect to be activating it within the next two weeks.’
Ultrafast Broadband? Not Superfast? Aware that Ultra-something is, in marketing speak, different to a Super-something, normally by being at least more expensive if not for any other reason, Bryntin decided to try to find out what this meant and looked further into it on the site.
Apparently Ultrafast Broadband services differ in speed and are normally in excess of 150Mbps and up to 300Mbps. And they’ll give you some money back if they drop below 100Mbps for any reason.
Now, Bryntin knows what you’re thinking. What is a Mbps?
His best guess is that it is a close relation to MegaBettyPirps with a conversion factor of 1:1. Which is easy and quick to convert, unlike miles to kilometres.
So, gird your loins, and whatever else needs girders, Bryntin is about to be on proper possibly 100x faster than it was internet. Even he might notice an improvement in that but it is still unfortunately the case that his posts will take as long for you to read and you’ll still end up wondering why you bothered.
Article originally written and posted in June 2018. (Not really.)