Mega Bitty

One of the joys of earlier than expected retirement from working/not bothering to look for another job after his stroke which is fine with Mrs Bryntin as long as he behaves himself and/or makes himself useful occasionally – is that Bryntin now finds himself as chief household dog walker.

Normally his little terrier Gwynnik gets a three kilometre or so ‘main’ walk, somewhere during the day – hopefully where she can be off lead and where rabbit or other small furry mammal locating, ball chasing – but no temptation of sheep chasing – can be enjoyed. The second evening walk is normally just a kilometre or so up and down the lane outside our house.

Recently of course, due to the cycling incident, he wasn’t feeling able to take her out to the normal walk locations due to his accelerator and brake leg being so sore; driving was just too painful to contemplate for a couple of days. This then necessitated the walking being done in the lane directly outside the house in what, for most people, constitutes ‘working hours’.

On Friday it was raining hard but Bryntin and Gwynnik’s walking hour was conveniently and luckily placed in a small portion of the day in which an umbrella and full length waders (inflated life jacket for the dog) were not required. So, Bryntin grabbed his hat, coat and dog and used the temporarily abated weather window.

Immediately opposite the house and parked on the verge was a white van, its rear doors opened and an umbrella wedged between the top of the door of the van, the hedge and the telegraph pole. Underneath this was a man, sat on one of those little folding fishing stools and wearing a yellow/green luminous jacket, fiddling with wires and a black box. He looked like he was attempting to knit with some colourful spaghetti. But using screwdrivers.

Now, whenever he has seen a man in a yellow/green luminous jacket at the base of this particular telegraph pole, Bryntin’s heart is full of hope. This hope is that, finally, in this rural location, forgotten by mainstream infrastructure, out of the way (and therefore a good place to put a Bryntin) the powers that be (in this case a firm called Openreach, spun off from BT) are going to be doing something about our internet speed.

Bryntin has put some thought into how to describe how slow the internet speed currently is but has decided that some sort of dangerous time-continuum-warp-style effects may take place as you might read about how slow it is after any gushing articles about how fast it is now.

This may be confusing for readers so he will only use the bare figure 2.5. And on a good day 3. Somethings. MegaBittyParps or something like that.

So Bryntin, despite having his right arm pulled by a dog that always wants to be approximately one metre further away from him then the lead length currently allows, engaged the man in conversation.

To save actually writing the conversation in its full Cornish dialect glory and therefore to make it more widely understood (tourists understand the ‘ansums, drecklys and proper jobs these days but some of the rest remains impenetrable), Bryntin will provide the approximate translation of it.

Yes, he said, he was doing the final connections for the new fibre cabling that had been gradually installed over the last few weeks. He wouldn’t be surprised if, after final testing, the new service would available to order from the internet provider Bryntin uses in around two weeks time.

Well blimey. That’s bleddy proper.

Bryntin was aware that the data speed of this new ‘Superfast’ fibre connection is 50 MegaBittyParps now at least and so was able to imagine an internet connected future in which internet TV services could be employed, a service which so many media type people assume you have before raving about the next upcoming Netflix series, and at last enabling proper use of the catch-up TV services.

A future in which everyone didn’t have to look accusingly at his son who was surreptitiously downloading some huge music files from somewhere and therefore knocking out all the bandwidth for whatever everyone else in the household wanted to be doing on the internet.

A future without everyone not being able to use the internet for at least two hours after returning home from a day out on which Bryntin employed the use of his phone as a camera while it backed up the photos he took that day to somewhere in the clouds.

A future in which he could properly get on with doing his years worth of online classes, for which he was kindly given a subscription but had been unable to properly use for the first six months so far because every class video he tried to watch lasted three seconds before sudden stillness and the word ‘buffering’ appeared.

All the sort of stuff that urban types take for granted already. But there was more.

This is a fuse box and has nothing to do with fibre optic cables, however there are wires and a technical poking thing so that’s pretty close.

Last night Bryntin accessed the Openreach site and the page which allowed him to register for further notice when the new service was enabled. After three years of 2 MegaBottyPurps he wanted to know, to the second, when he could get the ball rolling to get this quantum leap in information exchange with the rest of the world.

He entered his postcode and waited… He thought to himself ‘In future, even this bit of waiting will be a distant memory’ and smiled. Then the new page opened. ‘Good news’ it said ‘You are due to be receiving Ultrafast Broadband services soon! We’re installing the infrastructure and expect to be activating it within the next two weeks.’

Ultrafast Broadband? Not Superfast? Aware that Ultra-something is, in marketing speak, different to a Super-something, normally by being at least more expensive if not for any other reason, Bryntin decided to try to find out what this meant and looked further into it on the site.

Apparently Ultrafast Broadband services differ in speed and are normally in excess of 150Mbps and up to 300Mbps. And they’ll give you some money back if they drop below 100Mbps for any reason.

Now, Bryntin knows what you’re thinking. What is a Mbps?

His best guess is that it is a close relation to MegaBettyPirps with a conversion factor of 1:1. Which is easy and quick to convert, unlike miles to kilometres.

So, gird your loins, and whatever else needs girders, Bryntin is about to be on proper possibly 100x faster than it was internet. Even he might notice an improvement in that but it is still unfortunately the case that his posts will take as long for you to read and you’ll still end up wondering why you bothered.

Article originally written and posted in June 2018. (Not really.)


14 thoughts on “Mega Bitty”

  1. LOVELY POST WITH YOUR USUAL barbs. Sorry, caps lock was on and too lazy to rewrite. Feel free to shout that part if reading aloud. I like your third person approach and have started doing it a bit myself, for humourous effect, if nothing else.
    Wilt and his lovely green eyed English mum have been searching for a rescue dog lo these many years. Two or so, to be exact. You see, everyone (and his dog) wants a rescue dog here, the demand far exceeds the supply. And the criteria is very rigourous – do you have a dog already? A nice sized yard? Will you die soon? Wilt’s mum is in her latter 70s, so you see the cards they have been dealt. Canada is NOWHERE near as progressive in dog ownership as you are, there in England. Landlords will not allow pets, by and large. No dogs allowed in stores, pubs etc.
    Rant over, Wilt went straight to bed, did not pass Go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gwynnik was one of two unexpected pups from a working farm. We’ve kept in touch and sent them pics of her life down with us now.
      I don’t know why I started the third person thing… like a lot of things I have on my blog, it’s just fun/weird/obtuse to do things that are completely different sometimes… I have a post in draft about that. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. First, let me say that is a wonderful photo of your dog. Did you employ the use of a supermodel’s fan to get her hair to blow just so?
    As for your soon to be lightning fast internet speed? I’m as jealous as I can be. We live in the country and were promised 5 MegaBettyPirps. We get 1.3…. on a good day, with a prevailing wind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, I’ve been known to take the odd good photo sometimes (seen my about page recently?). Wind power all natural and provided by Cornwall, which is when, like with you, internet has been at its best until now.


  3. In terms of the mother of all sprinters of the internet go to the Hebrides. We visited two years ago and apart from thr fact the place made more Open Reach vans than midges – not sure which was more irritating- the broadband was so fast my posts went up before i wrote them. Splendid that the dog is keeping you out of mischief too

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Isn’t it a bloody shame about midges? Seeing the SpringWatch team struggling with them makes me think the powers insisted on excellent internet up there so no one would need to go outside and they can livestream it in unmolested comfort instead.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Urgh, I’m with you with the broadband… or rather the so-narrow-you-can’t-see-it band. Ours is the pits (and yeah, we’re in a rural area, too). The very worst is the upload non-speed. About half a bitty-byte. Let’s hope your speed improves. I’m hoping to try and get a faster connection soon, too. Well, broadband anyway.


    1. Not so fast Val… 🙂
      Yep, it times out thinking the connections dropped or something if I try to upload a picture or file that’s too big… trouble is you have to wait ten minutes watching a spinny wheel thing before you find out!

      Liked by 1 person

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