With it being a relatively quiet time in UK politics, what with one PM being nearly out and two possible replacements being not quite in, Bryntin thought he’d see what sort of state the state was in, particularly after the state visit of the President of the United States, for which he had already stated that everyone here loved him of course. The state of that.
It is possible, with the strange British accents, that the eternally golfing American conman had misheard the word ‘loathed’ and translated it to ‘loved’ in his tiny, temperamental toddler’s little mind, but I’m sure there might have been a few lovers, particularly as he had bought most of his family with him and I know some of them are lovers of his.
So, Bryntin thought he’d get hold of his Prime Minister’s office mole, unnoticed as he dusts closets and polishes rims in No. 10, who this time he is calling Edith to obscure his identity. This is quite close to the Ethel he used last time but is still quite a long way from Colin, so it should still obscure him well enough.
The conversation takes place on the Snapchat app, an app so secure that only a piece of black sticky tape over your webcam and typing with your wrong hand, or perhaps someone else’s, could be much better.
Bryntin: Morning Ethel. How’s Westminster?
Edith: It’s Edith.
Bryntin: Oh, I’m sorry. Is Ethel there?
Edith: No, it was Ethel before, we said we’d use Edith this time.
Bryntin: Oh right, sorry. Although to be honest I’m running out of old Aunties now. OK, how’s Mrs May then? Seems that the POTUS visit went OK, in that it was only a few days and he went again.
Edith: Well, she’s fuming at him now. She was fuming before of course, in fact she was mostly fuming. A lot of people thought it was because she’d suffered some sort of power surge. But this Ambassador’s leak about Donald’s administration being inept and Donald’s inept tweet about it is really scrambling her circuitry.
Bryntin: Is it inept?
Edith: This is secure right? I mean, you wouldn’t want words like narcissistic, dysfunctional, unpredictable and diplomatically inept being released into the public domain when officially talking about the President of another country deliberately would you?
Bryntin: It will literally not go much further.
Edith: That’s OK then. Yes, he is. The PM didn’t want to say that out loud of course. But she might not definitively disagree once somebody else does. I mean, she’s on the school break-up run down.
Edith: You know, when you get all rebellious with your job because you’ve handed in your notice? I mean, she’s taken to having cup cakes instead of biscuits with her tea now.
Edith: I know right? I mean, the last bastion of Britishness is having a biscuit with your tea. Not what the Americans call a biscuit, a proper biscuit. Cupcakes are overrated, to borrow a certain turn of phrase.
Bryntin: So, how’s the race for a new idiot to replace her going?
Edith: Well, it’s narrowed down to two now, and they’re both trying really very hard to be the sort of person that the members of the Conservative party that used to be members of UKIP would want to be their PM. About 160,000 old white men with red faces who think surviving after a war they were born long after makes them special and their wives who know their place because their old white men with red faces told them to.
Bryntin: What does she think of them? The contenders I mean, she’s got one of the white old men who tell her what to think herself.
Edith: Well, she gave both of them jobs before that meant they were easy to keep an eye on. In fact, the rumour is that the ball pool in the cabinet office was installed for their amusement while she got on with closing everything down and redistributing the country’s wealth to her husband.
Bryntin: Does she have a favourite?
Edith: No, I don’t think so. But that may come down to your interpretation of her rolling her eyes and saying “Unbelievable”
Edith: Well, you don’t really know if she’s reading something Hunt said or wrote, something Johnson said or wrote, or just going over her journals while she writes her autobiography.
Bryntin: Well, at least it’s a distraction for the media. It’s like the Conservatives wanted, something to take everyone’s mind of the impossibility of the Brexit situation they’ve created until we run out of distraction time. Again.
Edit: Have you noticed that if you miss an ‘h’ off Edith, you get Edit?
bRYNTIN: yES, i ALSO NOTICED THAT THE CAPS LOCK KEY GETS HIT ACCIDENTALLY TOO.
eDITH: wELL, THAT’S A DISTRACTION.
At this point in the Snapchat conversation, the sticky tape became dislodged, the glue sticking everything together not being as good as it was before the referendum. Bryntin decided that this insecurity made further conversation dangerous and didn’t want to compromise his source, so he said goodbye to Colin
We don’t really believe this administration is going to become substantially more normal; less dysfunctional; less unpredictable; less faction riven; less diplomatically clumsy and inept.
The wacky author that the O4FS blog foisted upon the United States is not someone we are thrilled with, a very stupid guy.