Bryntin has long fancied posting a FAQ, or Frequently Asked Questions page and has been waiting patiently for some questions to be asked. Generally the only one he really gets frequently is “What are you doing now?” and comes from Mrs Bryntin.
In the absence of any questions, let alone frequent ones, Bryntin decided that he’d answer the ones he thought people would ask if they weren’t so shy and hadn’t so far actually asked any at all. So these are Frequently Unasked Questions.
The questions are in no particular order. Bryntin was prepared to sort them in order of frequency at first but then realised he would then have to imagine both the questions and an imaginary number of times it was asked, so he decided against that.
Q: How many questions should a good FAQ section have?
A: I don’t know, I’ve never seen a good FAQ section.
Q: How frequently do you need to ask a question to make it a frequent one?
A: Probably at least twice the number that you first thought of.
Q: What is the first number I thought of?
A: Sorry, I don’t do parlour room magic tricks. Mainly because I don’t think people still have parlour rooms.
Q: Can you do lounge room magic tricks instead?
Q: You have recently taken to a third-person narrative. Why?
A: I felt like it. Sorry – Bryntin felt like it.
Q: How would you describe your blog?
A: In writing generally.
Q: Many of your jokes are very old. Why is that?
A: Because I am very old. It’s nice when you are very old to still be able to remember the jokes that were around when you were very young.
Q: Are these the sorts of questions you really think people would typically ask in a Frequently Asked Questions?
A: I’m not sure anybody actually asks the questions that are typically in a Frequently Asked Questions.
Q: How do I switch on my device?
A: That’s a silly question.
Q: I was just trying to see if I could get a typical Frequently Asked Question in.
A: That isn’t a question.
Q: Why not?
A: That is, but it’s not really specific enough for an answer.
Q: How many questions do you normally get?
A: We covered that at the start.
Q: Yes, but the kind of questions you get on a Frequently Asked Questions often seem to indicate the question could be answered and not need to be asked at all if the questioner simply read the manual or website before asking the question.
A: That isn’t a question either. You are wasting my time here.
Q: How much of your site is in fact a waste of time?
Q: What is the remainder of the site if it’s not a waste of time?
A: On the balance of probabilities, only probably a waste of time.
Q: If you decide something on the balance of probabilities, by definition, being balanced, the probabilities are exactly 50/50. How do you then decide which of the things you are deciding is ‘on the balance of probabilities when the probabilities are obviously balanced? Should they say ‘the probabilities aren’t balanced, the decision therefore is…’?
A: That was complicated. I think it was the amount of times you repeated probabilities. Or balance. Anyway, I zoned out after the first sentence. We don’t do complicated here anyway.
Q: When the UK exits the EU, what do you think is the solution for the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland?
A: I’m glad you asked that.
Q: Have you got an answer?
A: Has anyone?
Q: You still haven’t really answered it have you?
A: Well… look, it’s going to be patrolled by heavily armed leprechauns riding unicorns. They’ll scan your cargo with an as yet uninvented techno-doobry looking for as yet unspecified stuff. If you are smuggling, or trying to cross into the UK illegally, or popping over to your Mum’s for a cup of tea, they’ll stop you and call in a fire breathing dragon to incinerate you on the spot, unless you can produce your correctly filled in Form 442/1285/38 Subsection D notice.
Q: You appear to be joking with me. Are you?
A I think you’ll find that my solutions are as realistic and factual as anything else that has been tabled by the Government at this time.
Q: Are we finished yet?
A: Not yet, but Halloween could be particularly tricky and with no treaties this year.
Q: I meant the FAQ.
A: Sorry, you can squeeze in one more.
Q: Where do you get your ideas for your blog from?
A: A blog ideas shop, on the High Street. You could buy them too, just look for the shop that’s not a coffee shop or takeaway.
Q: Have you ever tried being amusing?
Q: Why should I read your blog?
A: The only reason I can think of is to see how it ends. But, on the bright side, it all ends, eventually.
Q: Right, very good, see you soon then.
A: Funny man, that’s not a question either.
So, that’s it for this edition of the FUQ’s. I hope that any questions you had been thinking yourself have been covered.
If not, you can try asking one because I am sure it will get an answer of some sort. Remember, you have to ask it frequently for it to get in.
Please note: This is a slightly rehashed version of a previous post, first published March 2018. I’ve edited it a bit but it’s still not that funny.