Ah, welcome Mr Johnson, do take a seat. We’re glad you actually came in for this interview.
Ha ha… don’t really do interviews you know! Too scary! Ha… Anyway, never mind all that, my Dad said you mentioned a job down at the club, so just give it to me and then we’ll just skim over this bit shall we?
Umm.. no Mr Johnson, I’m afraid we’ll be doing an interview, y’know, like normal people have to do?
But… but…that’s not what happens to Eton boys…
Well sorry Mr Johnson, we’re going to do this by the book. You are familiar with the phrase ‘by the book’ aren’t you?
Well, of course, yes… vade ad librum... and you hear it a lot on TV police shows… not in Latin of course, policemen aren’t educated like me… which means somebody will get shot in the next scene.
Well.. umm.. there won’t be any call for Latin in this job… Now then, let me run through the background we’ve done on you shall we? Stop me if any of this is not right…
No, of course, I’m sure it’s not too hard to come up with the shining exemplars. Seize the day, as they say in Rome eh?
Ahem… yes… quite… Right then…
1. Sacked from The Times for inventing a quote then lying about having invented it
2. Sacked from Tory front-bench for lying about an affair
3. Had police called to his house during his actual job interview as PM.
4. Invented the lie about EU law on straight bananas
5. Invented the lie about EU banning prawn cocktails
6. Invented the lie about EU introducing mandatory smaller coffins
7. Broke the record for the most parliamentary defeats (5)
8. Next day, broke it again (6)
9. Blamed Hillsborough on Liverpool fans, then described the victims as “whingeing scousers”
10. Promised £350m a week for NHS (at time of writing, owes NHS £57.7 billion)
11. Blew £46m on a garden bridge that has never had a single brick laid
12. Referred to investigations into sexual abuse as “spaffing up the wall”
13. Referred to Islamic women as looking like “bank robbers” and “post-boxes”
14. Lied repeatedly that 80 million people from Turkey would come to UK if we didn’t leave EU
15. Wasted £500,000 on a cable-car – the most expensive ever built – that has an average of 4 daily users
16. Doubled rough-sleeping during his tenure as Mayor of London
17. Refused to take part in a press conference because he might be jeered at
18. Lied, on camera, about there being no press present when confronted by a distraught father in a hospital
19. Said “fuck business” when presented with concerns about Brexit
20. Got a British Citizen, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, jailed in Iran because he mistakenly called her a spy
21. Found guilty of misrepresenting facts by IPSO
21. Found to have broken the Ministerial Code by failing to declare income
22. As a journalist, questioned the repeal of the ban on promoting homosexuality
23. Refuses to admit how many children he has
24. Forced by Telegraph to apologise for describing the people of Papua New Guinea as “cannibals”
25. As Foreign Secretary, said Libya could be the new Dubai if “they clear the dead bodies away”
26. Bought water cannon that are illegal to use in the UK at a cost of £333,000. They were sold for scrap, unused
27. Recorded helping a friend to find a journalist he (the friend) had a quarrel with, even after Boris was told the friend wanted to “break his ribs”
28. Referred to Commonweath citizens as “picaninnies” (racist term for black children)
29. Suggested reinstating British control over former colonies – essentially restarting The Empire
30. And, of course, illegally prorogued parliament, and lied about it to parliament, the public, the queen, and the Supreme Court.
So, you didn’t stop me Mr Johnson?
Well, I’m very sorry, we need all of our workers to have some shred of integrity and a little bit of humanity, so I’m afraid you won’t be getting the job here at the circus.
Ah well, I’ll have to go back to the TV panel show appearances. They like a clown.
Note: Numbered list of ‘achievements’ lifted from Twitter thread posted by @RussInCheshire here… Link