Bryntin is generally a happy enough chap, bimbling along through life in a harmless enough way and, in return, not doing any harm to anyone else. In fact, generally he goes many days without affecting any other human being with his physical presence whatsoever. Even Mrs Bryntin can’t find him sometimes, despite her many shrill and ever more urgent sounding demands.
However, this is a trying time of year for someone who tries to be economically insignificant and harmless, as many powerful forces are ranged against him, bringing an onslaught of commercialism, forced bonhomie and everyone basically looking forward to stuffing their faces and drinking till they fall over for a few days because it’s allowed. Because it’s Christmas.
And they’re trying to get him to join in.
The forces are trying very hard to make him spend money on things he’s going to give to people who didn’t know they wanted what he’s bought them, and probably actually didn’t, and other people will give him things that he didn’t know he wanted and actually probably doesn’t. And they, and he, will probably hide it away in the bottom of some wardrobe somewhere in the house, only to bring it out and leave it casually visible in the house when said person visits and say ‘Oh yes, we use it all the time’.
Today has also marked the annual ‘turning off of Radio 6 Music’ as even they are starting to gratuitously inject the occasional random ‘Christmas tunes’ into their otherwise quite acceptable schedules now.
You can tell the Christmasssy ones, they’re marked by the use of sleigh bells effects – only ever heard, in the UK, on Christmas songs and perhaps in shopping centres that are trying to sound Christmassy as they take your money – and ‘glistening snow’ in the lyrics, which of course it doesn’t do in the UK. It kind of just falls, turns into grey mush and gums the whole country up for a week.
Anyway, you are so psychologically programmed to feel Christmassy on hearing the sleigh bell noise enhanced tunes, that you are very likely to immediately want to go out to the shops and buy a frozen turkey, two kilos of brussels sprouts and a fairy for your tree.
Bryntin tries to resist.
Not only is his freezer deliberately full already, interesting podcasts and Spotify playlists will be deployed to keep him away from the aural diet of the looped, thirty-odd jingly-noised records. There will be time-shifted, recorded-only TV watching, so that the sickly-sweet, cuddly-animatronified, sentimental claptrap advertising can be fast forwarded and skipped, and a refuge of books and writing and very much unplugged walking will all keep him occupied. He might even try some household tasks.
But, he is told, Christmas can be a time for family. Also, it can be what you make of it if you don’t like all the sparkly stuff. Apparently, there’s some religious aspect to it too.
But this rather misses the point that it doesn’t take a festival for any of that to be the case at any time and that maybe the hard-earned and deliberately inaccessible distance to those people might be the actually desired status for the whole year as it is.
Bryntin has a list.
Just not a Christmas card one.
And, personally, he’d rather not be in the same room as most of his family anyway as they have completely horrible taste in jumpers at this time of year and are often completely incoherent.
Anyway, a cheerful limerick.
we’re now in the time they call Christmas
with baubles and tinsel and big business
it starts in October
by January it’s over
and the waste is in landfill, how witless
Yep. Such is Bryntin’s distaste for the whole thing that this will be the only post using the word Christmas on his blog. A ‘Last Christmas’, if you will.
Yes, he is a grumpy bastard.
Now, sod off.
For persons with strong stomachs for links to Christmassy things, fellow blogger James at James Proclaims is presenting his entertaining third annual Christmas Advent Calendar of Christmas(ish) Films. He’s a nice chap and, according to the bio on his site, you’d probably like him if you met him.
Tell him Bryntin sent any reader of his with even a remote interest in Christmas (or films) to him so he doesn’t have to mention it here again. Thank you.
Note: There used to be a bit of text down here that encouraged readers to share anything Bryntin writes that they thought was good or made them laugh.
Bryntin has realised that not many bothered much with that so he has replaced that paragraph with this long bit of alternative text, in the form of one very long sentence, which actually doesn’t make any point at all except to make you pretty annoyed that, if you have made the effort to read this far, you have now found it was actually just a complete waste of your time. Thank you.