Many people will be making predictions for the new year ahead of us. Some of them are based on analysis and deep thought.
Here are Bryntin’s, which aren’t.Embed from Getty Images
- The rest of 2020 will come soon and will last for a very, very long time indeed. So much so, there will be a lot of people wishing it was all over by about February. Bryntin is predicting that you will meet at least one person in February 2020 that says ‘I wish it was all over,’ and believes you should just shoot that person dead there and then, just to grant their wish.
Obviously, you can probably only shoot them dead if you’re in the USA or another backwards private gun owning country. In the UK you may only tap them lightly with your umbrella and say, ‘Oh, you’re a one you are,’ and surrender to the Armed Response Police unit that someone will have called because you were seen touching another person.
- The BBC will still be under attack from the Government and will have their national licence-fee funding removed halfway through the year. However, the Conservatives will look on in horror as, removed from the shackles of enforced ‘neutrality’, it actually is still one of the most popular and respected news, entertainment and educational streaming and broadcast services around the whole world and is commercially free to remind everyone what a small-minded, delusional, bigoted, denialist and compassion-free segment of the population that Government in the UK has been taken over by.
The BBC will now also use Sir David Attenborough’s voice-over for everything as, because they can now spend their copious subscription funds however they like, they will have spent it on preserving his now immortal living head in a jar.
- The Americans will send some men to the moon but, while travelling away from the Earth, they will unfortunately be lasered and the craft destroyed by a US Space Force prototype armed satellite, thus becoming the first not very friendly friendly-fire deaths in space. The President will blame the North Koreans, the North Koreans will agree it was them because it suits their propaganda narrative for everyone to think they could and the Space Force will not say a word.
- The commemorative Brexit 50p coin, ordered from the Royal Mint and then melted down again about three times previously, is finally minted and released as banks announce they no longer accept, or have a need, for any cash at all.
- For the newly independent UK and trade-free (sorry, that’s meant to be an optimistic and forward-looking ‘free trade’) market, Jamie Oliver releases his latest cookbook ‘Creative Recipes for Squirrels and Other Rodent Meat’, based on the recipes he can afford to make now he’s running a post-Brexit take-away stall instead of chains of restaurants. Meanwhile, Nigella Lawson releases ‘Luxury Russian Recipes you Miss from Home’ which comes with a large but smoothly shaven Babushka to cook them for you.
- The Climate Emergency will still be on the world population’s agenda of ‘stuff we have to worry about as you lot don’t seem to be‘ as what are currently extreme weather events continue to work mathematically towards becoming the new average.
World Leaders will meet and talk about it even more ‘urgently’ in many locations across the world but still actually do very little about it, mainly as they wouldn’t then have an excuse to take their private jets off and meet up for lovely meals and chinwags as often and accept the ever growing lobbyist
bribesencouragement from increasingly desperate oil company representatives to persuade them not to do anything too drastic yet. The rumour is that the next Climate Summit will be in Antarctica as it’s warmer and much less icy now and Greta Thunberg is less likely to find anyone who was sailing there anyway to cadge a lift off.
The President of the Maldives stops coming to the summits as, with a high point of 2.4 metres above sea level, every Maldivian with a mop is needed at home.
- The 2020 US Presidential election will happen towards the end of the year with one of the candidates boasting that voters can rely on him to still be the Best President the World has Ever Seen in Any Country in it’s Entire History EVER on their behalf, even when more than half the country doesn’t want him even alive and he has an impeachment on his CV.
Meanwhile, the other candidate will be being attacked by partisan media and anonymous Facebook ads for being a person in possession of a working brain, a natural complexion and some competence in at least one language.
- The 2021 UK New Years honours list will be released next December with everyone who subscribes £50.00 to the Governments new ‘Kick a Claimant while they’re Down’ initiative a knighthood. Anyone willing to wave a ‘We love Boris’ placard in public will be made a Lord.
- Bryntin’s blog will have a massive viral hit, with the stats page going bonkers and showing more than ten views for a single post, possibly something more than ten, eleven maybe, and he will be admired the world over for his wit. Manufacturers of Custard Creams supply him with free Custard Creams due to him managing to crowbar mention of Custard Creams into most of his posts, even sometimes getting it in three times in a single sentence.
So, that’s about it. The death of the universe isn’t scheduled for quite a while yet, so Bryntin is fairly confident that the planet will still be here by the end of the year, although of course there is no guarantee that anything on it will still be alive tomorrow, let alone by the dawn of 2021. Probably best just to enjoy today as best you can as usual then, so he highly recommends reading some other more entertaining blogs to help with that.
Note: There used to be a bit of text down here that encouraged readers to share anything Bryntin writes that they thought was good or made them laugh.
Bryntin has realised that not many bothered much with that so he has replaced that paragraph with this long bit of alternative text, in the form of one very long sentence, which actually doesn’t make any point at all except to make you pretty annoyed that, if you have made the effort to read this far, you have now found it was actually just a complete waste of your time. Thank you.