Today, a person wished Bryntin a “Happy Pancake Day.”
Bryntin is still thinking about this.
He supposes that in order to wish someone well on Pancake Day, that you have to put ‘Happy’ in front of it, otherwise you would only be informing that person that it is Pancake Day.
Like this example:
A Person: “Pancake Day”
As you can see, the intention of the phrase has been stripped of any context by the removal of the word ‘Happy’ and is unable to be be construed as a greeting or any communication of warm and generous feelings. It has simply become a statement of fact and, in the example above, Bryntin would find it hard to ascertain what the precise meaning was.
Of course, he would perhaps understand that this person knew it was Pancake Day, he would just not understand why this person felt compelled to tell him this fact when he had been told by numerous supermarkets that it was going to happen on this day at least four or five days before it did, as indeed they and every news outlet in the land did every year.
He could possibly ask for some clarification by using the time-honoured English tradition of pretending he might possibly – can you believe it? – not quite heard correctly, in order to give his brain an extra second to unpick some meaning out of what he had heard perfectly well the first time.
A Person: “Pancake Day.”
Bryntin: “Excuse me?”
This would then give the opportunity for A Person to clarify the position.
Happily, in the event, A Person did actually say “Happy Pancake Day” straight away, so none of the above was necessary or was applied.
Having been greeted with “Happy Pancake Day,” Bryntin still found himself unable to understand the whole concept of having a Happy Pancake Day and why in fact it had become another day on which it was deemed important for strangers to wish that you would have a happy one. He did, after all, get through the whole of yesterday without anyone wishing him a ‘Happy Monday’.
To unravel this conundrum, Bryntin tried some lateral thinking.
He tried to think of the circumstances in which he might have an unhappy Pancake Day.
The worst thing that might happen is, obviously, he might die before getting to the Pancake part of the day. That would indeed be unhappy and he would imagine those that were left might not get the full enjoyment of their pancakes if there was a dead Bryntin lying about in the house at the time.
Another unfortunate unhappy situation would be discovering the shortage of stocks of the following, after there was no chance of replenishing said stocks in time for the great event: Eggs, Milk, Flour, Butter, Lemon, Some sort of Sugar. Assorted sweet toppings according to preference. A frying pan. A cooker.
Yet another unhappy turn of events might be perhaps a power cut at an inappropriate time, leaving heating the frying pan over a candle while someone else holds a torch necessary.
He did think perhaps it would be really unhappy if a Bear invaded the kitchen, looking for food, and stayed in there eating absolutely everything, including the pancake ingredients lovingly arranged for the event, forcing Bryntin to evacuate from the house until either it left of its own accord, full and burping with satisfaction, or a skilled hunter happened to pass by and shoot it. However, he dismissed this as unlikely as there haven’t been any wild bears in the UK for about 1500 years.
In general, Bryntin decided that perhaps it was better overall to have a Happy Pancake Day rather than an unhappy one, although he was fairly certain that most days of the year would also be happier if any of the unhappy scenarios he had thought of was avoided.
So although he was grateful that this person wished that his day would be the happier version, he decided that, on balance, being wished a ‘Happy Pancake Day’ was, in the main, a useless sentiment so told the person to ‘Sod off’, which he feels was an altogether more understandable sentiment.
Note: There used to be a bit of text down here that encouraged readers to share anything Bryntin writes that they thought was good or made them laugh.
Bryntin has realised that not many bothered much with that so he has replaced that paragraph with this long bit of alternative text, in the form of one very long sentence, which actually doesn’t make any point at all except to make you pretty annoyed that, if you have made the effort to read this far, you have now found it was actually just a complete waste of your time. Thank you.